I’m sorry

This blog is exclusively for joe. I made a mistake. I have learned that we can feel whatever we feel. even anger. I felt like you were moving on away from me by going bowling cuz we always go bowling together cosmic. I was wrong, I am usually wrong with my feelings but in my therapy we can feel whatever we feel and accept them then let them go. I’m so sorry for leading you on, but you keep kissing at me even when I’m not leading you on. I am wrong alot that is why I told you I was the “Wrong girl”. I apologize. Hopefully we can start over Joe and forget these things. I’m sorry and you are sorry lets forget it happened and look forward to see each other in a couple weeks. Your my best freind and I don't want to lose that. I fucked up forgive me.

After Diner

Joey and I got together last night and he got all pissy-assed so we decided that we needed a break from one another for a couple weeks.  It made me paranoid like I
did something wrong, which I did.  I am a confused person and may have tainted a little of our boundaries, enough that he freaking wouldn’t stop hitting on me and trying to kiss me even tho I said stop and no. 

I have been depressed, then he said he might go bowling today and it made me mad at him, even though he has every right to go.  My mom and I talked when I picked her up and she said he was a best friend to me and that I was making more of it thinking he was trying to hurt me by saying he was going bowling when I would have wanted to go also.  But I am wrong to think those things.  He hasn’t a mean bone in his body.  We have our differences, but we have more in common than anything.

We were both sheltered sick children, whose mothers have always been there for us and helped us. We are both very close with our moms.  I guess sometimes I get pissed when
I shouldn’t and I feel bad for it, but happy that he and I are still and hopefully forever friends.  I going to see him tonight when I pick up my strobe light.  Mom is excited to turn on music and the strobe light tonight after dinner but before I pick up my new friend Billie.  My mom is a freaking blast.

And I’ll be your LOVER!!!

I have been having to be very careful not to lead my friend in the wrong way. I am bipolar with borderline personality disorder. so basically I am just starting to learn my boundaries.

I have been in love once, and it was true love. it didn’t work out due to religious issues involving how we would raise our kids, but when he was murdered I felt such a pain and anguish in my heart. I am not in love with Joseph. He is my friend and I love him as a friend and person but I have figured out today while thinking and listening to my music that I am not in love with him. So we’ll see how the friendship goes after this. I get manic and start thinking things I shouldn’t..their naughty and I regret them later. I cannot lead Joe on by playing my nasty games.

I have hurt allot of men by my sudden actions and my quick no-boundary issues, and broke their hearts, and they didn’t know and neither did I till it was over that I shouldn’t have gone there with them. So I don’t know what to do. Joseph is my first friend in almost 20 years. I don’t know the boundaries and he pushes the kissing thing and so we kiss and I
know it shouldn't be going there because I’m not in love. I am sadistic in my own ways. pouring hot wax in the groin area and nipples, handcuffing to the bed then have the strobe light flashing as I do whatever the hell you do when your manic and thinking is off.

truth is, i was in love once in my life, and my relationship with Joe, has to remain friends. He kept kissing me even though I told him not to, and I kissed him back which gave me more issues cuz I got overwhelmed...it has to stop now. I'm going to have him read this.

never turned on in the mental ward with Sex

So I bought awesome handcuffs to try out with my partner in crime Joe.  But the setting has to be perfect or it does nothing for me..when i get paid a strobe light is on the menu.  hard rock, strobe light fooling around!! AHHH SUKI SUKI!!  We call it partners because we are non-conformist crazy asses and need our own title.  I think he will be scared at first but I am a wild bitch and even I don’t know what to expect from myself.  I’m on new meds…I just got out of the hospital again…..It is a complete mental ward. I was in the Trauma unit which was awesome, I learned allot from them.  I hate sex with every bit of me..but the doctor says its my medication that causes my libido to be low..so the strobe thing if to just make a wild fun atmosphere.

The 99

My freind Evan and I Came to an astonishing conclusion..Call it an Epiphany if you will.  I’m going to share this with you so that you may be aware of what category your in, and maintain it or convert yourself to fit in the group that “Society” has yet to let you in on.

99 percent of the world conforms to what they see and hear from the media, their parents, their selfishness, etc.  99 Percent of you conform to one religion, whatever it may be, and stick close to it for spiritual safety precautions. 

 

1 Percent of us decided at a youing age thast we were freaks, never belongong, being teased and tormented within ourselves because we weren’t like anyone else.  we grew up and tried to conform but conformity was not in oujr hearts.  we know ourselves, we know the futute som of us can read others and feel their pain or happiness.  We are differtent and people don’t know why they hate us, or tag us as strange “Keep away from that one”…My message is for the 99’s and the 1’s.  it is completly alright to be a one, Ones are sparse but you can still find us if you get back to searching.  a hard search.  99’s are in great abundance.  My revolution if ytou want to call it that, is to get 99’s to watch EVERYTHING around them. To smell the roses and listen to the birds singing when you go outside.  filter noise. make yourself vulnerable by becomeing a nonconformaist .  Dig deep within yourself and look at people one person at a time, feel them…free yourself fromj a life of wiushing you had done more.  There is so much more to life than what color shirt I have on.  Devel into your spiritual side. open your mind to all aspects of religion and your own beleifs.  I beleive in the Christian God, his Son Jesus Crist who died for my sins, and the holy spirit..and that there are many angels around us.  But people..my beleifs don’t end there.  I beleive in so many otgher things that churches tend to be afraid of me w2hen I shared my thought with them. they thought I was “demon Possessed”. so I stopped goingto church and made my own spirituality.  everything around us is alive, nont just the birds…not just the pouncing squirrels, but the trees..are they not alive also?  the plants your mother talks to and she swears they’ve gotten fuller since she started, they are alive.  and even the little insects have their own ways of life.  those are the thoughts of 1 percent of us.  Won’t you 99’s join us?

Thank you Evan for helping me to see through a whole new sense of enlightenment. .

Butchering The Cutter

I got drunk off my ass ended up drinking a fifth of Vodka.  Mom found me unconscious on the chair listening to my iPod.  I remember nothing.  and This means I fell off the wagon again.  I tell myself…I can do this, I can beat this addiction..this vice that I take to extremes.  I was sober for 2 years and now all I can do is crawl back up, dust myself off and keep walking my path in life..I hurt my friend Joey because we were going to do something and I was too hung over.  he accepted my apology and I am glad he did.  My friend Frank has always been there for me as well, 

and there has been so much chaos in my life lately with therapy bringing up my rape and molestation, emotional abuse etc that I went through as a kid..plus my mom is having a hard time living at Grandmas.  I have dissociated that aspect of my life and learned to live with our current situation feeling nothing most of the time.  I have no  privacy, if I'm in the bathroom listening to my iPod and can’t hear anything else, they are afraid I am in there cutting again.  which they have every right to feel that way..I don;’t exactly have a clean record as far as sobriety and cutting are concerned.  I have many scars on my arms.  I am just going to live in the moment from now on, instead of worrying about what's to come.

Drunken N Bunkin’

So my friend joe and I went to a drag bar and all the men were hitting on him and buying us shots.  I made sure he got drunk cuz he;d never gotten drunk before. he bought the screwdrivers, I bouth the slippery nipples and sex on the beach.  he was fucked up, but I was still able to walk fine and drive.  So I pulled his drunken ass out of the bar and into my car and we headed home..but on the way home I had to barf, so I pulled over in an old parking lot while he called all of his family members telling them how wasted he was lol.  So he calls his nephew and tells him he’s with a woman with big tits and is getting big tits tonight..I was barfing then he really felt it and was telling me he loved me and I leaned the seat back to give myself a rest and started spinning then barfed again on my shirt and in the lot.  he leaned his head on my breast and said “I’m trashed” lol.  It was awesome, so I took him home and leaned back in my chair in his driveway and spun some more then looked over and he was laying on the ground and I knew I couldn’t go up the steps so, I screamed “Joey get up and go inside now!”  he somehow made it lol…he says it was a blast and I have to agree.