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Tuesday, June 23, 2009

And I’ll be your LOVER!!!

I have been having to be very careful not to lead my friend in the wrong way. I am bipolar with borderline personality disorder. so basically I am just starting to learn my boundaries.

I have been in love once, and it was true love. it didn’t work out due to religious issues involving how we would raise our kids, but when he was murdered I felt such a pain and anguish in my heart. I am not in love with Joseph. He is my friend and I love him as a friend and person but I have figured out today while thinking and listening to my music that I am not in love with him. So we’ll see how the friendship goes after this. I get manic and start thinking things I shouldn’t..their naughty and I regret them later. I cannot lead Joe on by playing my nasty games.

I have hurt allot of men by my sudden actions and my quick no-boundary issues, and broke their hearts, and they didn’t know and neither did I till it was over that I shouldn’t have gone there with them. So I don’t know what to do. Joseph is my first friend in almost 20 years. I don’t know the boundaries and he pushes the kissing thing and so we kiss and I
know it shouldn't be going there because I’m not in love. I am sadistic in my own ways. pouring hot wax in the groin area and nipples, handcuffing to the bed then have the strobe light flashing as I do whatever the hell you do when your manic and thinking is off.

truth is, i was in love once in my life, and my relationship with Joe, has to remain friends. He kept kissing me even though I told him not to, and I kissed him back which gave me more issues cuz I got overwhelmed...it has to stop now. I'm going to have him read this.

Monday, June 22, 2009

never turned on in the mental ward with Sex

So I bought awesome handcuffs to try out with my partner in crime Joe.  But the setting has to be perfect or it does nothing for me..when i get paid a strobe light is on the menu.  hard rock, strobe light fooling around!! AHHH SUKI SUKI!!  We call it partners because we are non-conformist crazy asses and need our own title.  I think he will be scared at first but I am a wild bitch and even I don’t know what to expect from myself.  I’m on new meds…I just got out of the hospital again…..It is a complete mental ward. I was in the Trauma unit which was awesome, I learned allot from them.  I hate sex with every bit of me..but the doctor says its my medication that causes my libido to be low..so the strobe thing if to just make a wild fun atmosphere.

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