About Me

Friday, August 14, 2009

psycho Counsin ansd the Aftermath of Love

I hear my cousin isn't doing to well.  she is the one who caused me to have a nervous breakdown so quite honestly I don’t give a shit.  I’m so bad.  I know I should feel sympathy but she is such a bitch I don't think I could ever feel sorry for her.  I feel like what goes around comes around.  She spread rumors about me that were very untrue and made me an outcast in our church.

I hear she blogs asking people to pray for her.  I told her years also when she 1st went on psych drugs that she needed counseling. She adopted two kids that have emotional problems.  How can she take good care of them when  she has emotional problems herself.  I almost hope she goes through the addiction to pain killers and the pain of being hospitalized for nerves.  I am bad but I can’t help the way I feel.  oh well lol

Thursday, August 6, 2009

changing my system

9544GothFairy The med clinic has decided to take me off of my Klonopin since I have been unable to manage it in this move to my grandmas. They also r taking me off of the gabapentin because I have been accidently overmedicated from my last hospital stay.  So things are sucking a bit.  I’m also having the hormone cries since I’m going through the change.  It fucking sucks.I don't know what I’d do without my support system.  It is going to be VERY hard. BOOYA

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Manic and happy

I feel something coming on strong with me.  for a change I wrote positive poems.  I feel happy, I think I’m finally getting well due to the therapy I’m getting.  Mom also gave me a long talk when I get caught with the weed several months ago.  she used to work at the jail and did a full body pat down and found my stash in my bra.  I was glad she found it.  She told me many things and I got wisdom from her.  I feel like I am really in recovery from my illness.  I feel good.  HUZZAH!!

Friday, July 31, 2009

The Pit By Valerie G.

You’d never had caught me

As I dropped into a pit

But now I’ve crawled out
just a tiny bit

Pain an undermining

Effect of my brain

And when I come out
It's on again 

Give me a different life and give me my voice

I’m stronger than ever

And now will rejoice

Bring me my hat

And my visors too

The sun burns my eyes

And I could burn you

Leave me burdens

Leave me alone

I've no time for you

I am making my home

My Soul By Valerie G.

Having hailed you oh Lord I soar

to see things unimaginable

like never before

And the spies I get to crush with my faith

my power emits

I evaporate

From the lengths of sadness

I felt before

to the stratosphere

I see my life

and finally open that door

Thank you Father

for what you have done

and the mileage you spent

on me

on just one

Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

New friends and the OCD’ing Mom

I stayed @ a new friend of mines house for the 4th of July.  It was fun.  It feels like I’ve known her forever.  Joey is still my best friend.  I have always believed you can have as many best friends as you could trust.  I still don’t know her well enough to say best friend, but Joey I know is my best friend.  So I am just sitting and smoking and bored.  I took this new friend, her name is Billie, to get her prescriptions filled, I took her to the hospital last night and they said she has bleeding ulcers.  So I drove her to get her prescriptions filled and we picked them up today. 

I’m going to hang out with her again tonight.  Mom makes me feel guilty that I am going but I have the right to go ya know…It is just I am trying to have my independence but I still don’t have my boundaries set completely. She keeps giving me chores to do and I don’t know why she is so OCD about things li9ke cleaning and shit.  oh well, going to go help her now.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

I’m sorry

This blog is exclusively for joe. I made a mistake. I have learned that we can feel whatever we feel. even anger. I felt like you were moving on away from me by going bowling cuz we always go bowling together cosmic. I was wrong, I am usually wrong with my feelings but in my therapy we can feel whatever we feel and accept them then let them go. I’m so sorry for leading you on, but you keep kissing at me even when I’m not leading you on. I am wrong alot that is why I told you I was the “Wrong girl”. I apologize. Hopefully we can start over Joe and forget these things. I’m sorry and you are sorry lets forget it happened and look forward to see each other in a couple weeks. Your my best freind and I don't want to lose that. I fucked up forgive me.

Friday, July 3, 2009

After Diner

Joey and I got together last night and he got all pissy-assed so we decided that we needed a break from one another for a couple weeks.  It made me paranoid like I
did something wrong, which I did.  I am a confused person and may have tainted a little of our boundaries, enough that he freaking wouldn’t stop hitting on me and trying to kiss me even tho I said stop and no. 

I have been depressed, then he said he might go bowling today and it made me mad at him, even though he has every right to go.  My mom and I talked when I picked her up and she said he was a best friend to me and that I was making more of it thinking he was trying to hurt me by saying he was going bowling when I would have wanted to go also.  But I am wrong to think those things.  He hasn’t a mean bone in his body.  We have our differences, but we have more in common than anything.

We were both sheltered sick children, whose mothers have always been there for us and helped us. We are both very close with our moms.  I guess sometimes I get pissed when
I shouldn’t and I feel bad for it, but happy that he and I are still and hopefully forever friends.  I going to see him tonight when I pick up my strobe light.  Mom is excited to turn on music and the strobe light tonight after dinner but before I pick up my new friend Billie.  My mom is a freaking blast.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

And I’ll be your LOVER!!!

I have been having to be very careful not to lead my friend in the wrong way. I am bipolar with borderline personality disorder. so basically I am just starting to learn my boundaries.

I have been in love once, and it was true love. it didn’t work out due to religious issues involving how we would raise our kids, but when he was murdered I felt such a pain and anguish in my heart. I am not in love with Joseph. He is my friend and I love him as a friend and person but I have figured out today while thinking and listening to my music that I am not in love with him. So we’ll see how the friendship goes after this. I get manic and start thinking things I shouldn’t..their naughty and I regret them later. I cannot lead Joe on by playing my nasty games.

I have hurt allot of men by my sudden actions and my quick no-boundary issues, and broke their hearts, and they didn’t know and neither did I till it was over that I shouldn’t have gone there with them. So I don’t know what to do. Joseph is my first friend in almost 20 years. I don’t know the boundaries and he pushes the kissing thing and so we kiss and I
know it shouldn't be going there because I’m not in love. I am sadistic in my own ways. pouring hot wax in the groin area and nipples, handcuffing to the bed then have the strobe light flashing as I do whatever the hell you do when your manic and thinking is off.

truth is, i was in love once in my life, and my relationship with Joe, has to remain friends. He kept kissing me even though I told him not to, and I kissed him back which gave me more issues cuz I got overwhelmed...it has to stop now. I'm going to have him read this.

Monday, June 22, 2009

never turned on in the mental ward with Sex

So I bought awesome handcuffs to try out with my partner in crime Joe.  But the setting has to be perfect or it does nothing for me..when i get paid a strobe light is on the menu.  hard rock, strobe light fooling around!! AHHH SUKI SUKI!!  We call it partners because we are non-conformist crazy asses and need our own title.  I think he will be scared at first but I am a wild bitch and even I don’t know what to expect from myself.  I’m on new meds…I just got out of the hospital again…..It is a complete mental ward. I was in the Trauma unit which was awesome, I learned allot from them.  I hate sex with every bit of me..but the doctor says its my medication that causes my libido to be low..so the strobe thing if to just make a wild fun atmosphere.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

The 99

My freind Evan and I Came to an astonishing conclusion..Call it an Epiphany if you will.  I’m going to share this with you so that you may be aware of what category your in, and maintain it or convert yourself to fit in the group that “Society” has yet to let you in on.

99 percent of the world conforms to what they see and hear from the media, their parents, their selfishness, etc.  99 Percent of you conform to one religion, whatever it may be, and stick close to it for spiritual safety precautions. 

 

1 Percent of us decided at a youing age thast we were freaks, never belongong, being teased and tormented within ourselves because we weren’t like anyone else.  we grew up and tried to conform but conformity was not in oujr hearts.  we know ourselves, we know the futute som of us can read others and feel their pain or happiness.  We are differtent and people don’t know why they hate us, or tag us as strange “Keep away from that one”…My message is for the 99’s and the 1’s.  it is completly alright to be a one, Ones are sparse but you can still find us if you get back to searching.  a hard search.  99’s are in great abundance.  My revolution if ytou want to call it that, is to get 99’s to watch EVERYTHING around them. To smell the roses and listen to the birds singing when you go outside.  filter noise. make yourself vulnerable by becomeing a nonconformaist .  Dig deep within yourself and look at people one person at a time, feel them…free yourself fromj a life of wiushing you had done more.  There is so much more to life than what color shirt I have on.  Devel into your spiritual side. open your mind to all aspects of religion and your own beleifs.  I beleive in the Christian God, his Son Jesus Crist who died for my sins, and the holy spirit..and that there are many angels around us.  But people..my beleifs don’t end there.  I beleive in so many otgher things that churches tend to be afraid of me w2hen I shared my thought with them. they thought I was “demon Possessed”. so I stopped goingto church and made my own spirituality.  everything around us is alive, nont just the birds…not just the pouncing squirrels, but the trees..are they not alive also?  the plants your mother talks to and she swears they’ve gotten fuller since she started, they are alive.  and even the little insects have their own ways of life.  those are the thoughts of 1 percent of us.  Won’t you 99’s join us?

Thank you Evan for helping me to see through a whole new sense of enlightenment. .

Friday, May 8, 2009

Butchering The Cutter

I got drunk off my ass ended up drinking a fifth of Vodka.  Mom found me unconscious on the chair listening to my iPod.  I remember nothing.  and This means I fell off the wagon again.  I tell myself…I can do this, I can beat this addiction..this vice that I take to extremes.  I was sober for 2 years and now all I can do is crawl back up, dust myself off and keep walking my path in life..I hurt my friend Joey because we were going to do something and I was too hung over.  he accepted my apology and I am glad he did.  My friend Frank has always been there for me as well, 

and there has been so much chaos in my life lately with therapy bringing up my rape and molestation, emotional abuse etc that I went through as a kid..plus my mom is having a hard time living at Grandmas.  I have dissociated that aspect of my life and learned to live with our current situation feeling nothing most of the time.  I have no  privacy, if I'm in the bathroom listening to my iPod and can’t hear anything else, they are afraid I am in there cutting again.  which they have every right to feel that way..I don;’t exactly have a clean record as far as sobriety and cutting are concerned.  I have many scars on my arms.  I am just going to live in the moment from now on, instead of worrying about what's to come.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Drunken N Bunkin’

So my friend joe and I went to a drag bar and all the men were hitting on him and buying us shots.  I made sure he got drunk cuz he;d never gotten drunk before. he bought the screwdrivers, I bouth the slippery nipples and sex on the beach.  he was fucked up, but I was still able to walk fine and drive.  So I pulled his drunken ass out of the bar and into my car and we headed home..but on the way home I had to barf, so I pulled over in an old parking lot while he called all of his family members telling them how wasted he was lol.  So he calls his nephew and tells him he’s with a woman with big tits and is getting big tits tonight..I was barfing then he really felt it and was telling me he loved me and I leaned the seat back to give myself a rest and started spinning then barfed again on my shirt and in the lot.  he leaned his head on my breast and said “I’m trashed” lol.  It was awesome, so I took him home and leaned back in my chair in his driveway and spun some more then looked over and he was laying on the ground and I knew I couldn’t go up the steps so, I screamed “Joey get up and go inside now!”  he somehow made it lol…he says it was a blast and I have to agree.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Coke and the Big Fuk you

the dog spilled my coke so 
had to go get another one
lol
I take soda very seriously.  He does it all the time you’d thnk I would learn by now.  My mom and I have been arguing lately.  she said i didn’t pull my load around around place..she is at work all day and i help grandma do everything.  so she resorted to cursing at me “Goddammit Valerie” “Goddammit mom” “Fuck” “Fuck back at you” that was a piece of our back and forth conversation. blah..we made up tho.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Shit With The Kill

I just had 2 energy drinks with my medicine and I feel like taking the dog for a walk.  only my moms dog, there are 4 dogs in this house.  I love my moms dog and my deaf pup, but the other ones aren’t trained and piss and shit all over.  I need out of this place.  It’s nice to stay since our home was taken from us, and I don't mean to diss my grandma but the damn dogs need training.

Other than that everything is cool,  I stepped in shit this morning so that was fun.  I see my shrink at 3:30 so I have to pick my mom up @ 3:00 and rush to get to my appointment.

Jared Leto is so freaking hot.  I want everyone;ne to check out 30 seconds to mars and watch their the Kill video..it won an mtv award as best video of the year.  it’s really awesome, they based it off of the movie and Stephen king book the shining. 

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

brored in the whore house

I’m bored as hell.  Just sitting her  typing about.  I wish I had my own computer.  it has all of my art and poems on it.  it is stored at my brothers house until we can move out of grandmas house.  it’s not an easy situation but at least there is a place to stay and grandma is good about sharing her house with us.  I cook,  beleive it or not I’m a great cook. ok fuck it, I’m setting myself up with getting out of the house tonight.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Baldies and their admirers

Check out my new group and join if your up to it

Current web address:
http://groups.google.com/group/bald-women

Current email address:
bald-women@googlegroups.com

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Wuss and the crying game

ok, I’m a wuss when it comes to crim,e drama tv shows..especially cold case.   before we moved in with grandma I would watch cold case and cry my ass off knowing that mom was in the other room and wouldn’t know.  Now we live with grandma and I watched cold case because I got my meds so I figured I’d be able to handle it..instead I started balling my eyes out.   

So I call granny in to watch “An awesomely good show”  then when it ended the little dead boy walked down the pier and gave the officer a smile..then dissapered and ok I’m crying again.  grandma was like..”if you can’t handle it change the channel”..instead I went on about how aweful the world is to children..and cried even more..I’m such a wuss.  poor grandma. When I cry I cry hard lol.  So end of story.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

naked and ulcerated

So my dog spilled my dew, I threw up 2 energy drinks..guess my bloody bleeding ulcers don’t like those things.  I can get graphic if I may..why thank you..I will continue..

My ritz cheese thingies came up with the energy drinks.  I took a nice warm shower at my moms work..forgot that I’m bald and my head is sun burned so I ended up screaming for just a moment as the pain set in…just pain people..not a biggie.  .  so anyway, I hate barfing so I’ll have to go on a soup, water, sprite jello soft liquid diet for the sake of my fucking ulcers.

Don't look at me naked, pervert. 

The Hell Queen

Glitter glitter all around..I love glitter on my eye lids and lips…It seems to be a Fall thing only for me though. I want to give a shout out to Frank, Joe, Evan, Ben…and to my homies on the sidewalk looking for their babies mama..I feel you..

So Joe and I hung out yesterday and it was so much fun. I never get to spill my guts and he bought me a mountain dew without wanting sex afterwards lol. Then I talked to my buddy Frank about politics and Thats always fun..I like talking those things as long as nobody goes berserk. Some members of my family go nuts when you debate politics ands it’s like..hide me in a corner in the fetal position sucking my thumb..or my toe depending on whats more convenient.

I’m gonna put some links on here so you can know me a little better…all of you don’t see the dark side of the RavenLei

This is a link to my published poetry

http://poetry.com/Publications/search.asp?First=valerie&Last=grogan

Here is a link to my YouTube account, so all you haters can watch and learn from a goddess of mystical proportions…Hey..I don’t judge. Enjoy

http://www.youtube.com/user/kittyvamp1977

Here is an easy way to be an activist. check out all the things you can do online to save nature and human/animal rights…just give it a shot will ya..damn you people are hard to please *wink wink*

http://www.care2.com/

Heres my page on care2

http://my.care2.com/ravenlei

it has pics of my deaf lil puppy lestat

Ok so enjoy the trip to insanity..I dont go down alone so watch your asses. I’ll slurp you in like a frog catches flies..and take you to the portals of a hellish pergatorious plight.


Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Hope it sticks

Well, My mom and I created a crossword so I’m going to try and upload it so you can play it.  I went to the wake last night, and my uncle totally ignored me.  and when he looked my way he acted like I wasn’t even there.  I have a word for people like that..it rhymes with “wussy” .  I’m cooking shrimp fettuccini alfredo.   

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Just Ranting

The lady nextg door died and I can see the grim grieving wall surrounding that house.  It’s weird somtimes, and hard to deal witrh when your an empath.  I have to push the bad energy away to cope.  I’m learning how to do that slowly but surly for mental survival.

 

My Freinds are awesome.  Shout out to Frank, Ben and Evan.  Evan I tried calling but no answer, I’m trying to get your work schedule down lol.

I ran a bunch of errands today with my grandma.  I need to check my email.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Withdrawal and Happy Endings

I went to see a cherished neighbor of my grandmas.  Her best freind.  She has 2-3 days left and is on Hospice care.  The sight of death once sent me to a mental ward, but as soon as I got upset this time, I went numb.  I dissociated from it and now I can’t cry, which is tough.   This woman was one of the finest people on earth.  I cried a little bit thinking of her meeting my grandpa once she passes on.  I also cry about death because sometimes it feels like death would be a better place than this grimy poisoned earth.  I believe in the here-after tho so going to Gods Mansion sounds nice.  I hate being on meds and not being naturally happy and calm without being tired as hell.  If it weren’t for my family and friends I would will myself to die just to ease this pain and sickness.  I’m tired of running out of meds and ending up institutionalized because of withdrawal. What a sad entry this has turned out to be.  I’m sure I’ll see light later on.  I’ll call my friend Frank, he cracks me up. Here is a Picture of my Grandpa. I  sure did love him .                                                                                                                                                           Dad3 copy

Ghosts & The Crazy House

I also

First I’d like to give a shout out to Frank, Evan, and Ben.  *SHOUT*  WOOHOO!!!   I just had a huge energy drink and am feeling like I’m going to climb the walls.  it’s cold outside but I want to go to a cemetery and take pics.  I usually use them in my art…and hey maybe I’ll catch a ghost.  That's scary tho.   You have to be careful at cemeteries because you can bring something home with you.  I’m used to ghosts though.  My old house had ghosts.  I lived 23 years with nothing but ghost activity so I know how to handle them.  I communicate with them.  which is also a scary thing because you can become possessed…then you’d need someone to exercise it from you. Oh the pleasures of something we don't understand.  Sticks and stones sculls and bones.  Freaky man.  Well I am wanting to shave my head again, but my hair is black and my face is pale so it kinda looks cool…if I can hide the balding spots of torment. I had cancer and it screwed my hair up, so now its thin and fuckedup. And I’d get my lip and eyebrow pierced again. but if I have to go to the crazy house, they make you take off all jewelry and it made my piercings close up again.  ok this is a pic of my old lip ring. You’ll see why I like it so much.  I also Like having the 3rd eyes Here is a pic of my 3rd eye also.Ok I’m way too hyper, later!MVC-634F  MVC-510S

Sunday, March 29, 2009

The Bald Bitch; Is Back


So I talked to my freind Frank today and he mentioned a good way to go bald again...use Veet. It is for leg hair removal but I'm sure it will work on my head. Thanks Frank :-)
It's getting easier living with Grandma...
Oh my bitch cousin told me she..wait let me tell you the whole story.
I emailed her to congratulate her on her adopting 6 kids (just to be nice because I think she's making a stupid move. shje is so damn lost from who she is it's pathetic) so she wrote back and said we were cool. So I wrote back and told her I loved her and to call my cell phone when she comes to visit and she said she would but never called never acknowledged that I told her I loved her. and she is just a bitch and I'm done witrh her..except familly reunions. she is in the pic above..she is the one in green shirt. hope I dont get sued lol
If you want to know more about mine and her problem (which was huge and religion / her husbanmd was coming on to me blog. go to youtube.com an\d visit my vlog there it's kittyvamp1977
ok gotta stop writing n ow and fix the typos.
shlater mater

Monday, March 23, 2009

farts and Dews

I b ought some makeup that I like so I dont feel so shitty now about the way I present myself.
I picked up sticks in the yard today..fun huh..yeah sure. then I got a refill soda pop..I like mountain dew. the one thing that sucks is that the refil cup ios all i have money to fill and it is freaking huge..but mind you I will drink all 54 ounces of my Dew this evening. Having to move has been a bit chaotic but fun in some ways. My mom and I share a bed since the other one she was sleeping on smells like piss. Mom farts..she has lets say az flatulence problem. I cope...my meds knock mew out so I am not even aware of the stench of her ass poofs.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Life and death

I vlog on youtube alot but we moved and i don't have my camera set up so this is what I'm resorting to until i get my cam back up.
News: I almost freaking died. I was dead and they charged my back to life wirth their chargers.
they cut all of my clothes off and i was in ICU for 2 weeks then got a private room since my mom works at the hospital I was at. nice and now.....I'm here
talking to you when I coulds be dead. Here is a poem I wrote ther other day.

When you see death

Your visions appear

Ever so bright

But not very clear

To stare at his wits

And bear his own chains

Death only wakes

When you touch him with pangs

Do as you will

He’ll see as you do

And when opportunity knocks

He comes for you

3/3/09 vg

Sunday, March 15, 2009

To all of you who have been my youtube fans, I had to move suddenly and after we moved I almost died and hadss tgo have 4 blood transfusions. it has been hectic. I will keep blogging here and find my web cam wherever I packed it and start making videos again.
love ya
Bites n kisses

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