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Friday, May 8, 2009

Butchering The Cutter

I got drunk off my ass ended up drinking a fifth of Vodka.  Mom found me unconscious on the chair listening to my iPod.  I remember nothing.  and This means I fell off the wagon again.  I tell myself…I can do this, I can beat this addiction..this vice that I take to extremes.  I was sober for 2 years and now all I can do is crawl back up, dust myself off and keep walking my path in life..I hurt my friend Joey because we were going to do something and I was too hung over.  he accepted my apology and I am glad he did.  My friend Frank has always been there for me as well, 

and there has been so much chaos in my life lately with therapy bringing up my rape and molestation, emotional abuse etc that I went through as a kid..plus my mom is having a hard time living at Grandmas.  I have dissociated that aspect of my life and learned to live with our current situation feeling nothing most of the time.  I have no  privacy, if I'm in the bathroom listening to my iPod and can’t hear anything else, they are afraid I am in there cutting again.  which they have every right to feel that way..I don;’t exactly have a clean record as far as sobriety and cutting are concerned.  I have many scars on my arms.  I am just going to live in the moment from now on, instead of worrying about what's to come.

4 comments:

  1. I want u to remeber something Val i am here for you if u need someone do not be afraid to call me i will be there for you. as far as not feeling anything i want u to promise me something always feel even if it is bad and if the pain gets to bad you call and i will be there for you. I know what it feels like to feel bad but i also know what it feels like to have someone have your back i have your back i want u to remember that

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  2. You need to focus on the activities we talked about,hon, when you get down. Idle hands & a idle mind are the devils playground, remember?

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  3. Hey. I had this great answer, but it began to feel insincere and non specific. Yo actually handeled the incident better than I did. I am very ashamed to tell you, I got drunk (twice) at 2 parties (same location)... and I got so drunk... I let someone kick me where it counts. (Both parties). I don't drink like that anymore.

    As far as trust with your mom and grandmom...
    Let them know you are going in there to relax. Perhaps ask them to bring up a beverage, as to let them "check up" on you.
    And If you feel tempted to cut... tell them...or one of us. I'm sure our pride in you will lay in the act of saying you want to rather than the act of cutting and bringing disapointment to family or friends.

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  4. By disapointment I don't mean shame. We all willbe there for you if you do. We just might be a bit disapointed...and we'll suport you past that.

    ReplyDelete

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