About Me
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Withdrawal and Happy Endings
I went to see a cherished neighbor of my grandmas. Her best freind. She has 2-3 days left and is on Hospice care. The sight of death once sent me to a mental ward, but as soon as I got upset this time, I went numb. I dissociated from it and now I can’t cry, which is tough. This woman was one of the finest people on earth. I cried a little bit thinking of her meeting my grandpa once she passes on. I also cry about death because sometimes it feels like death would be a better place than this grimy poisoned earth. I believe in the here-after tho so going to Gods Mansion sounds nice. I hate being on meds and not being naturally happy and calm without being tired as hell. If it weren’t for my family and friends I would will myself to die just to ease this pain and sickness. I’m tired of running out of meds and ending up institutionalized because of withdrawal. What a sad entry this has turned out to be. I’m sure I’ll see light later on. I’ll call my friend Frank, he cracks me up. Here is a Picture of my Grandpa. I sure did love him . 
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"But in every darkness...of every dark person...in every one of us.. (in the 1% category).. There..... there is a light. And it may not show to often... but it's there."
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I might be doing something crazy and I would not have anything but blind faith that it will work out. The proposed plan is that I quit GoodWill, and begin selling antiques. I have enough to live off of for the summer. But the idea is insane. But I have few options. I think that would be the ultimate test for me... and I need to keep learning about what I can do.
I think it's ok not to cry. I would rather have contentment than tears at my funeral. I want people to go get an icecream cone... go play with their kids... read a book. Do something that makes a person happy. THAT would be in honor. So my advice is that she peobably doesn't want or need you to cry. She probably wants to see a smile on your face... to see you shine :)
My mom was pretty much blunt her final week of life. She didn't want a funeral,wake,etc. Just a simple memorial death notice, and people to remember the good times with her. That's what I want people to do when I go. Oh, thanks for the comments on my blog too, Val.
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